Psalm 113

I've been on Blogger since 2005.  The day after Christmas, to be exact.   I must have been home from work since it was the holiday, and decided to start my blogging journey.   I went through my drafts tonight; all of the posts that I started & never finished.   I had one in there with the title of Psalm 113.    I was immediately clueless but knew it had to be of significance, so I opened it.    Damn!   I never wrote anything further than the title.   So, naturally I had to look it up.     Well, since I hadn't noted a verse, only a chapter, I scrolled through to see what I might have been trying to reference.

There were 9 verses:

1 Hallelujah!

Praise, you servants of the LORD,

praise the name of the LORD.^a

2     Blessed be the name of the LORD

both now and forever.

3      From the rising of the sun to its setting.

let the name of the LORD be praised.

4     High above all nations is the LORD;

above the heavens his glory.^c

5     Who is like the LORD our God,

enthroned on high,

6     looking down on heaven and earth?

7     He raises the needy from the dust,

lifts the poor from the ash heap,^e

8     Seats them with princes,

the princes of the people,

9     Gives the childless wife a home,

the joyful mother of children.

Ahhh, Verse 9; that was it.   I immediately realized I must have been starting to post an entry about THAT.    And I never went back since that initial draft.   Why?   I don't know; I guess it's the one thing I've always kept private, while I was sharing EVERYTHING else.  So, the long and short of it, is that I don't have children & it's not because I don't want children.   I adore kids & I always wanted kids.  If I thought I'd be good at anything in this life, it was being a mom.   I knew I'd have the instinct and the endless love in my heart for a child.   There was never a doubt in my mind.  Although, even growing up, I had a feeling that I might not have children.  Maybe I knew something.  I guess I shouldn't say NEVER; maybe it was more that I knew it wouldn't come easy.  And it surely hasn't.  

For the better part of 10 years, I have tried unsuccessfully to conceive.  Also, working against me is an early diagnosis of PCOS .........and the solution to that?  Taking the pill to regulate my, otherwise, erratic periods.   Crazy.   I used to get"it" for months at a time and then I wouldn't get it for months.  It was pure chaos.   I didn't know that not having a period could be detrimental to my health; what with the lining building up for months and putting me at risk for "bad" things.  

  So, after I was educated about it, I started taking the pill again, to regulate my cycles  But, yes, I found myself skipping doses to just "see" what would happen.  And a big fat NOTHING happened.   Even when I wasn't on birth control, it never happened.     

What they'd told me years ago, was that I don't ovulate, hence the reason I'd need some drugs to hopefully induce ovulation.  Interesting.
 When I went to my doctor a while back, she handed me the business card for one of the best fertility doctors in the area.  (so she said)... I kept the card for a short time and eventually tossed it.   I refused to have any medical intervention.  I decided that I'd rely on divine intervention.   Last year, when I went to her, she asked about it and I said I wasn't sure where I stood on it yet - She said she could start me on Metformin.. and see how it went from there.   I still have so many unanswered questions, like why or how that would work for me?   Considering I hadn't any problems in regards to insulin, glucose, or the like.    Then she said in  closing, that I should think about it and decide soon, because, based on my age, I may not have a choice soon.   Hmmmph!    Well, it didn't come out callously, she said it nicely... but it did sink in a little.    So, now, my life is rather crazy, what with Mom's health and just life in general; trying to get back on track, since the hubby's returning to work after a year lay off, umpteen applications & interviews.   Things have calmed a bit for us, in that way. And for that I am so grateful and humble to God - We knew that He had a plan all along & we're finally seeing it unravel.    Sometimes you just wait patiently, knowing that He is always at work.   I still am sticking to the plan that I will entrust this ever happening, to God.   And St. Gerard.   I truly believe that, if being a mother, is part of my plan, it will happen in due time.   God's time - not mine.
In the meantime, I get to be an aunt and focus on other things, like Mom and keeping my stress levels in check, which in turn can keep my health in check.    I dream of a little boy or girl, with my blue eyes or my husband's brown eyes... My nose, or his chin.  Curls or straight hair.  He has the curls, not me.  : )    I want someone calling me "mom" and clinging to me in a thunderstorm.  Turning his nose up at brussel sprouts & me LETTING him, because I hated them when I was little.  (Now I could eat them EVERY day.)   I don't dwell on it much, if ever, but of course, I find myself feeling a little discouraged now & again.    There were a couple of times I had some meltdowns but I always get through it & my husband has been my shield.   He always 'takes the bullet' for me when someone asks... He always has.    He knows what it means to me & he's never pressured me about it.  If he has a strong desire to be a dad, I surely don't know it.  I wish I knew.   But he's afraid to hurt me or make me feel inadequate. I know this & it's precious and so compassionate.   So, maybe one day there'll be a post all about "baby" - and if there's not, well that's ok too.   My life is so full in other ways.   I remember the day we got married, back in April of 2010, and we did a full Catholic mass, where we go to the alter of the Blessed Mother and pray together.  I remember kneeling & praying with all my heart, asking Mary to bestow children upon me, if it were HER Holy Will.   I really meant that.  I always remember to include that in my prayers.   I started a novena to St Gerard last week and then I got scared and thought "Oh my goodness, what if it works?"  - "Was I ready?"  -   Boy, am I a confusing gal or what?