Thursday, June 27, 2013

Psalm 113

I've been on Blogger since 2005.  The day after Christmas, to be exact.   I must have been home from work since it was the holiday, and decided to start my blogging journey.   I went through my drafts tonight; all of the posts that I started & never finished.   I had one in there with the title of Psalm 113.    I was immediately clueless but knew it had to be of significance, so I opened it.    Damn!   I never wrote anything further than the title.   So, naturally I had to look it up.     Well, since I hadn't noted a verse, only a chapter, I scrolled through to see what I might have been trying to reference.

There were 9 verses:
Praise, you servants of the LORD,
praise the name of the LORD.a
2     Blessed be the name of the LORD
both now and forever.
3      From the rising of the sun to its setting.
let the name of the LORD be praised.
4     High above all nations is the LORD;
above the heavens his glory.c
5     Who is like the LORD our God,
enthroned on high,
6     looking down on heaven and earth?
7     He raises the needy from the dust,
lifts the poor from the ash heap,e
8     Seats them with princes,
the princes of the people,
9     Gives the childless wife a home,
the joyful mother of children.

Ahhh, Verse 9; that was it.   I immediately realized I must have been starting to post an entry about THAT.    And I never went back since that initial draft.   Why?   I don't know; I guess it's the one thing I've always kept private, while I was sharing EVERYTHING else.  So, the long and short of it, is that I don't have children & it's not because I don't want children.   I adore kids & I always wanted kids.  If I thought I'd be good at anything in this life, it was being a mom.   I knew I'd have the instinct and the endless love in my heart for a child.   There was never a doubt in my mind.  Although, even growing up, I had a feeling that I might not have children.  Maybe I knew something.  I guess I shouldn't say NEVER; maybe it was more that I knew it wouldn't come easy.  And it surely hasn't.  
For the better part of 10 years, I have tried unsuccessfully to conceive.  Also, working against me is an early diagnosis of PCOS .........and the solution to that?  Taking the pill to regulate my, otherwise, erratic periods.   Crazy.   I used to get"it" for months at a time and then I wouldn't get it for months.  It was pure chaos.   I didn't know that not having a period could be detrimental to my health; what with the lining building up for months and putting me at risk for "bad" things.  
  So, after I was educated about it, I started taking the pill again, to regulate my cycles  But, yes, I found myself skipping doses to just "see" what would happen.  And a big fat NOTHING happened.   Even when I wasn't on birth control, it never happened.     
What they'd told me years ago, was that I don't ovulate, hence the reason I'd need some drugs to hopefully induce ovulation.  Interesting.
 When I went to my doctor a while back, she handed me the business card for one of the best fertility doctors in the area.  (so she said)... I kept the card for a short time and eventually tossed it.   I refused to have any medical intervention.  I decided that I'd rely on
divine intervention.   Last year, when I went to her, she asked about it and I said I wasn't sure where I stood on it yet - She said she could start me on Metformin.. and see how it went from there.   I still have so many unanswered questions, like why or how that would work for me?   Considering I hadn't any problems in regards to insulin, glucose, or the like.    Then she said in  closing, that I should think about it and decide soon, because, based on my age, I may not have a choice soon.   Hmmmph!    Well, it didn't come out callously, she said it nicely... but it did sink in a little.    So, now, my life is rather crazy, what with Mom's health and just life in general; trying to get back on track, since the hubby's returning to work after a year lay off, umpteen applications & interviews.   Things have calmed a bit for us, in that way. And for that I am so grateful and humble to God - We knew that He had a plan all along & we're finally seeing it unravel.    Sometimes you just wait patiently, knowing that He is always at work.   I still am sticking to the plan that I will entrust this ever happening, to God.   And St. Gerard.   I truly believe that, if being a mother, is part of my plan, it will happen in due time.   God's time - not mine.

In the meantime, I get to be an aunt and focus on other things, like Mom and keeping my stress levels in check, which in turn can keep my health in check.    I dream of a little boy or girl, with my blue eyes or my husband's brown eyes... My nose, or his chin.  Curls or straight hair.  He has the curls, not me.  : )    I want someone calling me "mom" and clinging to me in a thunderstorm.  Turning his nose up at brussel sprouts & me LETTING him, because I hated them when I was little.  (Now I could eat them EVERY day.)   I don't dwell on it much, if ever, but of course, I find myself feeling a little discouraged now & again.    There were a couple of times I had some meltdowns but I always get through it & my husband has been my shield.   He always 'takes the bullet' for me when someone asks... He always has.    He knows what it means to me & he's never pressured me about it.  If he has a strong desire to be a dad, I surely don't know it.  I wish I knew.   But he's afraid to hurt me or make me feel inadequate. I know this & it's precious and so compassionate.   So, maybe one day there'll be a post all about "baby" - and if there's not, well that's ok too.   My life is so full in other ways.   I remember the day we got married, back in April of 2010, and we did a full Catholic mass, where we go to the alter of the Blessed Mother and pray together.  I remember kneeling & praying with all my heart, asking Mary to bestow children upon me, if it were HER Holy Will.   I really meant that.  I always remember to include that in my prayers.   I started a novena to St Gerard last week and then I got scared and thought "Oh my goodness, what if it works?"  - "Was I ready?"  -   Boy, am I a confusing gal or what?   

1 comment:

  1. Oh Dawn, thank you for sharing your struggle with us. I just don't understand and I don't have an answer to this. My step sister has PCOS as well, yet is extremely private about it - she hides her suffering and refuses to talk about it even to her mom. (Yet I suspect it's very difficult because she really wants a child.) So many .. many of our great biblical female figures in the Bible went through "impossible births" and suffered infertility for years. Hannah, Sarah, Rebekkah, Leah... there are many. God used this time of sadness to sactify them and he eventually DID hear their prayers and gave them children. We read that "God can open and close the womb..." I will pray for you!!! Have you heard of the Pope John Paul VI institute?
    Have you heard of NaPro technology?
    These are Catholic-compatible treatments and resources for infertility, PCOS, and reproductive health issues. I wish you the very best and peace of mind. You have such a great attitude about life and everything else. You would make a terrific biological mom, adoptive mom, or foster mom, if you ever decided to explore that avenue. I know a few people who got pregnant while taking chlomid - one ended up with twins :-)


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