Deep Breaths

Jesus' own instructions were for the offended to go to the offender and for the two of them to find a way to reconcile their differences.

That line sums up the way I've felt about things ALOT lately. I rarely 'write' about negativity or whine about life when things are in disarray.. but then there comes a time when it helps to get it off my chest. And hey, this is MY blog after all. :)

So this post is about family. My family. And how I feel like it has completely fallen apart.. and if it hasn't, then it sure as hell is hanging by a very thin thread.

I often think back to the year I was (22 or 23) and I informed my then room mates and still very good friends, that my parents were divorcing. I still remember "C" being rather shocked and saying "What!? I thought you guys were like the Brady Bunch!" Just goes to show that sometimes things that appear so perfect on the surface, just really aren't always such. I knew for a long time that they weren't, but to others who were just in "the audience", they were.
I try to think back and wonder if it was my parents' divorce that started the domino effect of when it all fell away to sh*t. Actually, there was a point in time when my parents were civil and we were still the closest thing to a family that we could be. So, let me clarify that I'm not blaming my parents divorce on the severance of our family ties. Apparently, those ties are only being threatened now. I've put my blood, sweat and tears into trying to hold this family together. But, to be fair: I'm not the only one that made the effort. It just seems that all hell has broke loose this year. To be brief, here's the deal: My stepmother put my 18 yr old brother out of the house she and my dad SHARE... and my Dad allowed it to happen. Granted; my dad's health is frail but I do blame him partially for my brother being put through that. He had nowhere to go except my mom's and the place my sister and I share.. My mom's place is too small so he's with us. I don't say that like it's an inconvenience, but sometimes I feel like he thinks he is and no one should feel like that. Not when you're family.
I haven't really talked to my Dad since this all took place. I know I should .. and I do when I bump into him or if HE calls, but I don't make the first move. I'm really disappointed in him. Maybe moreso because this isn't the first time he has done this to my brother. He did it once before when he was much younger.. and I had a hard time forgiving him that time too. I ended up taking my brother back home that time, because my dad called and asked me to.. but I know in my heart that my brother still thinks about that. What child wouldn't remember being put out on your mom's front steps with a couple trash bags of clothes, because you were "out of control"..?? Out of control? He was young, he did stupid things.. a messy room, taking batteries out of remotes, etc... NOTHING that warranted that from my dad. And even then, he did it because his wife "said so".

So without going into further whining and long winded details.. the end result here is that my family is one big mess these days. My sisters, and brother and I are not really speaking to my dad, and have plenty of animosity towards my dad's wife.
It's unfortunate, with my dad's health being so uncertain, that we're at this point. It basically all just really sucks. My sister and I try to retain some normalcy.. to be the best of our ability with all the turmoil. I wish my eldest sister was more involved in our lives and a more permanent fixture in her niece's.
I wouldn't trade being an aunt for anything in this world... and I never thought she would either. We need each other right now.. whether she wants to realize it or not. We miss her and we miss "us".. She has gone through some tough times this year as well, but we've been here for her all along. You can't reach someone who is running the other way. Both of my sisters' divorces were finalized this year. A double whammy there. Not what I would have wanted for either of them..ultimately. But I know the circumstances behind it and I support their decisions whole-heartedly.

Well, that's it in a nutshell... My thoughts were really running away for a while there so I hope I've made some sense and organized them fairly well.


Blessed are the PEACEMAKERS,

for they shall be known as

the Children of God.

But I say to you that hear,

love your enemies,

do good to those who hate you,

bless those who curse you,

pray for those who abuse you.

To those who strike you on the cheek,

offer the other also,

and from those who take away your cloak,

do not withhold your coat as well.

Give to everyone who begs from you,

and of those who take away your goods,

do not ask them again.

And as you wish that others would do to you,

so do to them.