Thursday, February 07, 2008

Following up

Just following up on my previous post about my dream. I know, if you read that post, that you probably were very curious to hear about it. So first I'll tell you that, lately (more so now than ever), I've been putting a lot of thought into the idea of my never having children. I think the dream came about as a result of me talking to my friend Renee about it. We were discussing "things" and she asked if I could even have children, based on what I was telling her. The answer, I suppose, is not a simple NO. With all of today's alternatives for conception, I'd be lying if I said I "couldn't" have children. Can I have them naturally? That would be a simple NO. My OB-GYN and I have discussed it, not at great lengths I'll admit.. but she had said if I did want to get pregnant someday, she'd refer me to a specialist who deals with fertility and all that good stuff. Evidently, I'm not equipped. I haven't gotten to the bottom of what it exactly is that I'm "lacking" per se, but the bottom line is that something is not working or producing correctly. While I can't remember the entire place or subject of the dream, what I do remember so vividly about the dream is that I was sobbing and "begging" God to please give me a child. It was so sad in the dream, I can still see my face. Talk about sadness. I guess maybe as my 32nd birthday nears, I've had the tendency to dwell on the issue a little more. I've always wanted to be a mother.. but in my heart of hearts, even when I was younger and had none of these female issues, I had the strongest feeling that I wouldn't ever have children. I thought back then, that I was just going through the old "too good to be true" phase but now I wonder if I just knew something. I don't talk about it much, other than with my closest friends and Jeff, but it does in fact bother me. Depresses me even. I've always felt like I have what it takes to be a mom, everyone tells me that I do. But I know it. It's the one thing that I'm confident in, if nothing else. I've always wanted that bond, and that love that comes along with a child. I think about all the things I'll never experience. Childbirth, birthdays, school days, and just your every memories. A miniature me.. a little boy or girl that looks just like me or just like his/her daddy. Scrapbooks, lockets of hair, fingerprints/footprints, someone calling me "Mommy", Cheerios invading the floors of my car......
Jeff can say what he wants, but I know that he always thought about children before I came along, and probably had every intention/dream of being a father one day. Not that I should worry about it, but sometimes I wonder if others wonder why I haven't had any children, or if I don't want children, etc.. etc.. If they only knew.

I wonder if they see the car seat in my car and figure that I've got kids...

I often say that if I won the lottery, the first thing I'd do is adopt a child. Well, after I bought a big ass house! lol
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me - These are just my very personal thoughts on a very personal issue. And it's been eating at me for some time.
Then, Jeff was talking to his friend's wife the other day and when he told her we'd been together 7 yrs almost, she said "Wow! You two need to have kids!"....
If she only knew.

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Hi, thanks for YOUR thoughts on MY thoughts! Happy reading!