November

November is Lung Cancer Awareness month & truth be told, I was never AWARE of anything lung cancer until my mom was diagnosed this past January.    I hate that I knew so little before and even during her diagnosis/battle.  I hate that I dismissed her fears whenever she'd bring them to me... I hate that I didn't FORCE her to get that chest x-ray that Christmas when we were going shopping.   She just had a chest cold, right?  Doc was looking for pneumonia, right?   WRONG.   How stupid of me.  I knew nothing.....and I'm not ashamed to say so, just pissed off.

We never knew - 

I've always been the kind of gal that loves to capture the moment in pictures.  I have so many photo albums and loose pictures in photo boxes at home, my husband thinks I'm a pack rat.  I say I'm sentimental.    Pictures capture life in a way that's so amazing.   I rarely forget anything but if I do forget a special moment or event, it's not long before I land upon a photo that brings it all back.

Lately, I've been finding pictures of Mom all over the place. -  Most are ones that have always been out in the open, whether on Facebook or in my house in a frame... but it's the older ones that make me stop in my tracks. 

I find myself wondering, in all those photos, if Mom had lung cancer back then.    What we know of the type of lung cancer she did have, it was Non Small Cell, which doctors told us was the slower growing type.   That makes me believe that Mom had this lung cancer for years before it was detected.   And then, hearing it was inoperable, because it had invaded her chest wall, it really confirmed that this tumor had long set up camp years back.   So, yes, now I look at photos of Mom, through the past few years, and I study it, wondering if she had the beginnings of lung cancer back then and we never knew it. I literally ask myself EACH and EVERY time I see a photo now. And it's getting to the point of obsessing about it.
I have to know!  That bastard tumor was there, while we danced at my wedding, when my niece started kindergarten, when my sister graduated nursing school?  Fucker.   But she looked so healthy too... Makes no sense.

My stomach drops every time I see her in a photo at a party, or a dance recital, or a BBQ, and I realize that she'd already had lung cancer. 

All those months or years ago, it could have been detected.  But yet, it wasn't.   Mom never had any symptoms, other than what we thought might have been a cold, or the usual smoker's cough.   Nope, we found out all too late.  And not even because she was being checked for a lung condition.   She had been diagnosed with breast cancer, that we were confident she could beat, and it was during her pre-op testing that they found the lung tumor on a chest x-ray.   What the hell?    I still remember  the medical secretary from the breast surgeon's office calling me - she said I had to get Mom to the ER right then, because her chest x-ray results were "off the wall".   Kind of a strange play on words for a medical professional but I realized later that it was pretty alarming to see. (which I eventually did).      The tumor had literally consumed her left lung and had weighed it down.   Seeing the x-ray?   Bizarre.     

I can honestly say that I knew little to nothing about lung cancer until my mom was diagnosed.  I'm disgusted to find out that there is so little awareness for it and even less funding.   It sucks that, more often than not, lung cancer is found in the late stage(s).  By the time most people are diagnosed, the cancer is already advanced and the survival rates are so discouraging.   This has to change - We need to help make that change.    This month, shout it from the roof tops, post it all over social media ... Make your voice heard for everyone affected by lung cancer.   Talk to friends and family who smoke and even those who don't, but might be exhibiting some of the tell-tale symptoms.   Anyone can get lung cancer, not just smokers.   Yes, my mom did smoke, but she didn't deserve lung cancer.   She DID deserve to enjoy her grandchildren, to finally win at bingo, to enjoy more bonfires in my backyard, to see the fireworks on New Year's Eve.....

*I'm raising my voice this November & I want to be heard*