meet me where I am

If you've ever been in a discussion about grief, or any other struggle you have seen or endured, you may have heard someone use the phrase "meet me where I am".   We just closed out another grief support group, for the fall sessions, and we talked a lot about this subject.  Meeting people where they are.  A few of our members mentioned how they had great support from some people, but how others just didn't get it.  So, we talked about how, when someone is grieving, you can't and shouldn't push them.  You find out where they are in their grief, and you just meet them there.   Don't step over that line.  Let them go as far as they are able, when they WANT to talk about it, and then leave the conversation to rest. At least until THEY want to resume it.
After holding 3 support groups, in the last year, it's really shed some light on how others react to our grieving. We can't make people understand how we're feeling, but I also don't think we should ever apologize for feeling anything.   Don't apologize for not going to a dinner, or a party.  Don't feel bad because you "broke a tradition" on a holiday, because you just weren't ready.   Sometimes, or often times, in our meetings, I can relate to a lot that people are sharing and expressing about their own grief stories.  

When I lost my one and only pregnancy, after years of wishing and praying to have a child, it broke me.  I was in a depression all 6 weeks of recovering at home, after an emergency surgery, that basically saved my life.  I knew I was different.  I felt it and I recognized it.  When I went back to work, I was in a "bad place" emotionally.   But didn't realize it immediately.

So, even a couple years later, when I received a baby shower invite, for someone I'd never even met,  I just couldn't go.   There were people, in my life, that weren't very understanding about it and I know what they said about "getting over it", in so many words. They thought I was being unreasonable.  "Oh, that was a year ago" ..      I know they didn't "get it"..  and that's ok.
They didn't have to.   I did (or didn't do) what I knew was best for my heart. There was nothing that bothered me more than my loss and grief being compared to someone else's.  Yes, other women had lost children, babies, and pregnancies.  But they never lost mine.  I did.

It was just as hard going to mass on Mother's day weekend.   I never expected it, but when the priest was giving the blessings and talking about moms, I started crying and couldn't stop.  I was in full sobbing mode in seconds,  and I kept wondering if anyone could see me.  Now that I look back, I don't think I should have cared what they would have thought.   I should have never had to explain myself or my grief, to anyone. I should have never even had a second thought about it.  No one gets to tell you how to feel, how to grieve, or how not to.   If they say you're doing it wrong, they're way out of line and way inaccurate.  Your best way to grieve, is exactly the way you are.  People tell you that you shouldn't hold on to things, material things.  Clothes, trinkets.   I've known people who cleaned out closets immediately, and donated clothes and other personal effects.   Are they wrong, or doing it too soon?   No.  They're doing it at the time they deem best for THEM.  I still have a baby sweater that a friend knitted when I first found out I was pregnant, as well as the baby journal that my niece bought me.  Do I look at them sometimes, yes.  Mostly when I just happen upon them.  But, am I going to part with them, any time soon?   I don't know.   So far, no.   That record book has handwritten notes in it, and details of a time in my life that I wanted more than anything.   Although it didn't have a happy ending, it's still a time in my life that did carry so much joy at one time.  I don't think I'm ready to part with that memory.  It's a part of my life, no matter how that particular chapter of the story ended.     So, no, you don't have to part with anything that you're not ready to.  Don't let anyone tell you that they know best for you.  Only you can know when you're ready to move to the next step in the path of your grief.
Your friends & family, coworkers, and the like, just want what's best for you, and will sometimes offer suggestions on coping, or advice.   Take it if you think it fits you, at that time. Appreciate it.  But don't feel obligated to act on it.