♥ heavy heart ♥

It's true that no one has written the book on "How to Lose a Loved One".    Sure, there may be several self help books out there, that help with the coping and grieving process, but none of us are ever actually prepared.   I know I wasn't.   Even knowing what the future held, I wasn't prepared to lose my Mom.  

On July 10th, I did just that.   I lost her.   We lost her.   The world lost her.   But God wrapped her in His arms and welcomed her into the kingdom of Heaven.   If you don't believe that, like most don't, that's your choice.   But, for me, it's what helped me to let Mom go and what helps me get through each day.    Standing at my mom's bedside, her hand not grasping, but gently resting, in mine, I prayed to God to let Mom leave us peacefully and no longer suffer. I don't know if she heard me telling her she could go... To find her mom and Dad up there.... I hope Mom understood that I wanted her HERE more than anything, but if she couldn't be here on Earth, wholly, and not suffering, than it was God's best plan to release her from the pain and suffering.
 I prayed until the moment she took her last breath & then I prayed for her ascension into Heaven.

I can't even understand the circumstances surrounding Mom's untimely passing.   I know that most of you knew she was battling advanced cancers of the breast and lung, so you might think I'm nuts for saying her death was "untimely".   I know she didn't have years left.     If anything, it might have been only months.
What seemed like a panic attack, brought on by her fear and worrying, landed her in the E.R. getting oxygen and something to calm her...   Then, it all ultimately resulted in cardiac arrest.  Mom never really recovered.   My siblings and I had to make the decision to let Mom pass peacefully and not play God, by keeping her alive by way of machines.   She would've never wanted that - A breathing machine?  A feeding tube? That's not "living"; it's "existing"... at the mercy of a machine.
 The doctor said if we chose that scenario, Mom would be whisked away to a long term care facility to live out her days. It would have been pure selfishness to do that to her.    So, on that day, July 10th,  we said goodbye.

I don't understand how grief works.     I thought, for sure, that I was just a really strong woman; being able to smile and laugh in the days that followed Mom's passing.  But I soon realized that grief is a tricky thing!   I have a few good days and then one day, without warning, I am an emotional wreck.    I find myself sobbing with sadness, wanting it to be a dream, wanting to do things differently and hope for a different outcome.   Turns out, the death of a loved one, doesn't end with the burial.   It really seems to go on for a while and is done so in phases.   There are so many things I have to get used to.  I talked to Mom every day.  She called me almost every day right after work.      All of a sudden, I didn't get that phone call.  And I really long for it.  More than I ever imagined I could.    Maybe I took that phone call for granted?

  Last week, I wanted to call Mom to vent, like I always could,  & all of a sudden I got in the car and realized I couldn't dial her number and talk.   That was a very difficult drive home.  Flooded with tears and pain in my heart that left such a lump in my throat.    I called her cell phone to listen to her voice saying "Hi, it's me Bridge, leave a message and I'll get back to you"..    But it was the default greeting that answered.
 I catch myself thinking that my ringing phone is Mom calling me, just as I'm arriving home after work.  She used to text me almost every night "good night, love you" -   I saved a lot of those messages.   I saved the last birthday text she sent me.   She was so upset;  she wanted to text me right at midnight on April 19th and she dozed off.   She texted me at 12:41 instead and told me the next morning, how pissed she was that she fell asleep.   Silly woman.  
   I have to accept that Mom won't be at parties, her much loved BBQs at our house, or  her granddaughter's dance recitals.   She won't be here for holidays or our annual Mother's Day outing.
 Aside from all of the milestone dates and anniversaries, she just won't be here any  day of the week.    I don't know how anyone ever gets used to that.
You don't know when the sadness is going to creep up on you; there's no way of telling.   I went to the grocery store today &  before I got in there, I was already submersed in tears.  Maybe, because, before I went there, I went to the library and borrowed a book on grieving.    It's true that you really wrestle with a lot of emotions after a loved one dies.   The guilt, the sadness, the confusion..   I almost feel guilty for laughing some days;for finding humor in anything, for going on with life.    But the hard truth is that life does go on.  I have to realize that Mom will always be here in my life, spiritually, and in my heart.   Just not physically.    I had the funny idea that I'd be "ok" in a few days, or a few weeks.  It almost seemed as though I was.   Wow, what a relief it was.
 But I'm not ok...  There are days that I can't even hold back my tears and I could be anywhere when it hits me.   Grief is heavy.... and it hides.  Only to jump out at you when you least expect it.
  It comes to the surface with the littlest things...  A song, a picture, a funny memory, a conversation, a scent.
I loved (love) my Mom with all of my heart & then some.  She was one of my best friends in life. We talked about EVERYTHING, she was there for me through EVERYTHING in life.   We had such a wonderful relationship - The kind some people envy.  She called me "sunshine" and said I made her laugh on her worst days.  We were a good duo. My sister and I were in the car last week & I was talking about Mom and how she really thought I could do no wrong.  Which is completely UNTRUE, but she really did think I hung the moon.   I'll never know why.   She was probably my biggest fan in this life.  If I wanted to be president of the United States, she'd have said that I could do it, with no hesitation.   My sister said it "was no secret" that I was Mom's favorite..  and I said I was sorry for that, but she laughed and said it never bothered her. Maybe if I hadn't been so close to her, the loss wouldn't be felt so strongly.  But I tend to think that if we weren't that close, the loss would be ever worse.   Who really knows.   I'm not saying I regret our bond.  EVER.
I truly feel like I have lost a piece of my heart somewhere in this - and I know that it will take time to heal.   How much time, I don't know.  No one can know.   The void will never be filled but the pain, I'm hoping, will slowly diminish and my days will be spent remembering Mom in happier times.   My sisters, my brother and I will all cope and deal with our grief in our own ways.  No two people will be the same.   It will be very hard & it will be very painful.   The heart doesn't heal easily.   Hopefully, we can have "strength in numbers" and really help each other through this.     I pray that each of us can find comfort in the promise of being reunited one day in Heaven.
In the next months or so, I know I will be posting a lot of these feelings on my blog.  I'm sorry, ahead of time, that I might carry on for a while.    I just think it will help me with my healing process and it will also help me to remember Mom.  
Please pray for Mom today & pray for my family's strength as we cope with our loss.

A year..

One year ago today, my little brother called me to say that he was going to the ER with my younger sister, to have a lump checked out.   I never thought anything of it.  I assured him it was probably nothing.  In fact, he had recently joined a gym & was working out a lot, so I was sure it a hernia.   It happens, right?

But I found out that same day, that it was testicular cancer.   It was the first time that cancer had affected my immediate family, besides my father in law beating prostate cancer the year before.  I remember the text my sister sent, asking me to come soon.  I was getting nervous & then she finally answered my pleas for more information.    One word: cancer.   I remember feeling like everything around me ceased to exist and I hyperventilated, for the first time in my life.      We went to the hospital to be with him and hear further what the doctors had to say and what the plan was from there.
They decided that they would perform an orchiectomy.  So, at age 22, my brother was going to have a testicle removed.   That was a big decision for someone, his age, to make.   It meant a lot of things for him.
Luckily, they went over his options for preserving his sperm before the surgery... He decided against it, leaving it up to chance.  He said he'd be just as happy to adopt children if he weren't able to do it on his own.  (their own).  

I think I was more upset when I found out he would need chemotherapy; the oncologist felt it was best because he'd had some vascular invasion.    I cried so much and usually when I least expected it.  Driving home from work, sitting at home. I just didn't want him to have to go through that.  I knew it could be so grueling and would be hell on him.  I hated the thought of it.   But he got through the chemo like a champ.  He was a real fighter and he never let it get him down.  Being diagnosed with cancer didn't change him at all .. He was so brave;  I don't know where he found the strength.  I felt like the whole situation was an awful lot for a young guy of 22, to have to face.  But he did it with true valor.

 I remember the night we found out his diagnosis, I just sat on my front porch and sobbed.   It was good to get it all out since I couldn't do it in front of my brother.  We had to be strong for him and we were.  
It's been over a year since this all unfolded & he's a picture of health.   His follow up CT scan was today and he'll see the doctor in a week or two for the results. Which I know will be great!  

Quick Mom updates & a cop out

Well, yes,  I had very good intentions to start my C25K (treadmill version) today but I have been dealing with sciatica for the past few days.  It's so uncomfortable;  I can't even describe it.  I can't bend down or over, I can't sit for a long period of time, if I can stand to sit at all.  Work was tough, sitting there at my desk all day.   I moved around so much, because it's hard to get a good position where the pain isn't so prevalent.

So, I have an ice pack on it now and hopefully it helps - I looked up some exercises and I tried a few but I'm afraid to do too much for fear of hurting myself or making it worse.   So, we'll see what the next few days bring.

As for mom updates:   When we went to her last appointment, the doctor said her CT showed that none of the 3 tumors had changed.   (I was surprised he included her hip in that) - I was sure we'd forgotten about that, but I guess radiation shrunk it but didn't completely eradicate it.  
So, he said that there was no change, they hadn't gotten smaller and they also hadn't grown.   So, he wanted to start a new drug called Gemzar for the lung.   She still receives Herceptin each week for the breast cancer & now the Gemzar will replace the previous combo for the lung tumor.   I did a lot of research on it and it looks like it's a pretty strong drug;  I also read some feedback on good results, in some studies.
  I told Mom to be prepared for the nausea this time.  She got lucky with the last one, and didn't have too many side effects of it but this might put her through a little bit of hell.   Dr. Alex also noted that there was a small spot on the scan that showed on her opposite lung now - but he wasn't too concerned about it, he said it could be anything; it was very tiny.   If he wasn't concerned, we weren't going to dwell either.
He'll keep an eye on it of course.
Last week, Mom should have had her 2nd week of Gemzar, but her platelets were very low so they had to postpone -  Mom said her infusion nurse told her that Dr Alex was surprised that her lab work showed the drop in her platelets so soon, because it could indicate that it's working already.  We can hope!  We can PRAY!  

Focus!

That was me yelling at myself.   I am having such a hard time focusing on work today; I don't get it.  I have plenty to do but keep getting distracted somehow.   It sucks.   I try to think about what I have on my mind that is causing the back up, but can't really pin point something.   There's always something going on in this mind of mine, so I can't say that it's anything new that's got me going.   Just thinking, thinking, thinking.

I'm going to have to come in tomorrow, nice and refreshed and ready to WORK hard.   No distractions.   It's a short work week for me, so I better use the time wisely.   Nothing worse than coming in to a shit load of work that you have to catch up on.  I don't have one of those jobs where someone else does your job when you're out.  I love my job though; best place I have ever been employed.  Ever.  

I guess I feel like I have a lot to do this week.   Saturday I'm having one of my closest friends over - She and her husband are moving from NJ to VA.   I'm not sad that she's leaving; I'm quite happy for her, in fact.   I can't say that we saw each other more than once or twice a year, but she won't be just a 30 minute drive away, anymore. But we've always been in touch via email and Facebook.

  On the upside, I can't wait to visit her when they're all settled in.  I'll give them a few weeks to settle.
HAH!! I'm kidding.   I'll probably have to wait until the new year.
 I've never been to Virginia.    I'll try to get some great pictures to post from our get together.  I know it'll be bittersweet but they're going to enjoy their move and new home so much.  It was custom built in a 55+ community, with all the amenities!  Good for them.  They deserve it in more ways than one and I'm so happy for them to just retire and enjoy life in a place they'll absolutely love.
She's such a dear friend of mine - Always been there for me, through it all, was like my work mom when we worked together, and just really has been the epitome of a "true" friend.    She came into my life when I started my previous job, in 2004, and we just clicked.  I love her laugh and her kind heart.   She is just such a wonderful person.